After being around a couple of guys who consider themselves Men and being told that I'm 'joking around' I've concluded that I've not quite yet come into adulthood in the way that I want.

I feel the Man in me (not in a weird way) and I take comfort in being aware of my predicament but I feel there's a good bit more work to be done 'shadow wise' until I'm a Man.  I know a good deal of my shadow problems (contradictory, I know) but the emotional impact of the realisations arn't fully coming into play.  Also, when I do resolve shadow I notice it coming back at times of fragility when I try push people away from me emotionally.  I also tend to swing between being a Man, relaxed, happy and unbothered by things in a positive way yet for some accursed reason I slip and slide down to my old boyish self! I annoy myself yet I know I'm too harsh on myself and that annoys me too, lol.

I'm coming closer to it, I can feel it and see that some of the people I'm going to get to know over the next few months will aid me in this transition.  And yes, there is strength in admitting help would greatly speed up my development.

Now here's a REAL man!

It's been over a week now since a friend of mine, Cai ap Leslie, had died.  It ripples through me and the people who knew him now.  This is the first time a friend of mine has died, and he was younger than me.  It brings home the frightening reality of death, it's taking a while for the value of the whole occurrence to sink in.  And I still get caught up in believing he's still alive 'Ah, Cai will...... Oh...', Cai can't will anything anymore. He's gone.

Barely a week into his Americas journey with his father his his bike lost power and he was bashed into by a truck near.  He was conscious at first and when his dad, Leslie, realised what had happened and turned around, they talked. Cai explained what had happened and asked Les to stay close.  Cai was alive in hospital for 4 hours. His blood pressure dropped, internal bleeding, there was nothing that could of been done, he passed on.

I know there's a stereotypical overvaluing of someone once they've passed on, 'Oh, they were so amazing! Oh so caring.. ect.'  But for Cai it's true.  Having the intelligence, creativity, and positive energy to do something great.  He was also a great friend to many and lover to Ruby.  Despite his occasional moody moments I didn't really see him take it out on anyone.  His criticisms were joking, in fact he was a funny guy and good story teller.  Basically his positives completely dwarfed his negatives.

The emotional shockwave is something I've never felt before, and there's no such thing as pure greif, there's always added shit. Denial and Clinging, Guilt and Remembrance, Intense Introspection and Aloneness.  There was no way to say a good enough goodbye, it's all so quick, too quick.  The night before was great, the morning after was intensely painful.  I cried so much the first three days afterwards, connecting the grief to the rest of the world and damning the wrathful deities for not saving good people.
He trusted my abilities and I felt like he saw into me more than most, he taught me poi tricks and his rationality inspired me.

Les and Ruby I think were closest to Cai and I see Ruby going through a pain that I wish I could help with, I don't know how though.  Although she's alone, she's not also not alone.  Ruby helped get people together, and laying out our memories and feelings on the table has been such a valuable experience, and it's really the best we can do until the funeral and wake.

Now, Les is back form America and so is Cai.  Uh, I'm going to miss Cai.

* WOW, I've felt myself trying to deny life, twisting and turning, self-obsessing, unrealising and unactualising more than usual, I've found it so difficult to accept it all and I really want to accept it (but I don't).  Cai is gone, I still feel loss, I still feel sad.  Death is here, (no it's not.)  I've had enough of beating myself up unnecessarily and I can't be arsed caring for other peoples feelings so much, except for in a different way now.  I will honor what this event means for as long as I can, (lol, probably not very long, in fact I'll probably slip in about 10 minuets)... *

I had a pair of dreams this morn the first of which began with a blur and a bus ride. It was a secondary school bus full of students 16-17 years of age. Teachers driving we drove into a large metal warehouse, the kind used for aeroplanes.  The warehouse was full of boxes, wooden and metal, the atmosphere was of darkness like in the X-files.  We stopped in the middle and all got out, there were other adults waiting for us and they wore white lab coats.  In groups of 2-4 we were asked to step into this circular lift in the middle of the bunker next to the bus.  People disappeared down this lift, I came to my turn and I was picked to go with another girl who I felt close to.  We hugged on the way down, the fall opened out into this MASSIVE underground area of which had a similar vibe, size and shape to the bunker above.  Other teenagers were waiting at the bottom and people were very unsure of what was going on.  The girl I was with was dazed and had to rest during which time I became increasingly agitated and started planning how I would get out of there.  After a couple of minuets I took my girlfriend by the hand and started walking quickly trying to find a way out, I came to an exit to open air and a car park and we hid behind a car. I check ahead of me and there was a tower to the right, a building to the left, and what felt like an exit in front of me. I went along to check the coast was clear and was shot at from the tower, machine gun fire from what seemed like three or four people, a pelted in back to behind the car.  Someone came from the building to the left and walked towards the car, we hi behind the car and as soon as the man was round the hiding side we crawled out the other end and ran for it.  Well, that's what I thought because I ended up alone past the gunfire on the other side in what seemed like a bathroom with showers. Two others were in there so I hid until they left.  I found an alternate exit and got hold of jeep and drove as fast as I could smashing through the barrier, I was being chased by other jeeps and helicopters.  LOL, form then on it turned into a game where I had to pick up friends from around. End.


The other dream had a torrent of water and people doing gymnastics in it.  They were falling over but it was still graceful.  The torrent had carved a bend and someone was explaining that the bible had been used to work out the flow of water, he quoted something with geometry in it and also explained the use of a tree in redirecting flow to help the gymnasts.  The water was over time meant to carve the trees roots and he proceeded to carve an opposite trees earth and roots to make a eroded area like what sheep make over time.  The thought of these eroded areas facing each other had a meditative feel about it. End.


Recently I've been hanging out with younger people and having had small amounts of MDMA I felt more open and emotionally real with them.  I've got this attraction to reliving a more social period in which I want to relax more.  This seems to me like going deeper into a Green meme which I've felt to be important recently.  Something my mum said to me struck me, 'You need to focus in on something, like university or a job.'  And although I feel quite active it struck a nerve in that maybe I havn't been focusing on ONE thing, perhaps I have been fragmented in my doings.  I'll think more about what I'm going to do after the Cob House project, and stay true to my principals of relaxing in activity (LOL, relaxing inactivity) in making short term plans.

A week ago I got more drunk that I had been in a good long time.  Not in a bad sickly way, just slurring, stumbling, laughing (causing and doing), dancing, thinking I could still drive and hold an intellectual conversation.  Mild embarrassment the next day but I shrugged it off.  'Twas interesting that twice now when I've been drunk and alone I discover anger within, anger at my dad and what he's passed down to me.  I don't want to dwell on it too much, although I have been, I will have to talk to/confront my dad about these qualities of his which I find so annoying.

A sequence of very strange dreams and daytime confusion with a hint of existential anxt followed over the next couple of days.  Could be the very cheap wine causing imbalances but I was definitely insecure.  Dreams of heroic feats, freeflowing emotions, and emotional individuation away from my friends.  A balance of masculine and feminine in my dreams...

    I'm a part of this discussion group called Intermind which is mainly centered on green but it's goes into good depth on subjects. There's this one guy in particular who's a bit of a devils advocate and will basically try and logically break up an argument introducing plenty of un-thought through counter points which often have a only a faint feeling of possibility. This could be an intuition I'm not picking up on and not developing logically quick enough for the conversation but he does this so often that I can only conclude that he's in some way avoiding some kind of consensus or theory which would have a binding effect of the conversation. So most nights everything is left dangling in the air like a hundreds of lonley wind chimes, all singing notes but no one listening to the sum of the orchestra.
    It's frustrating to not have enough rhetorical skill to persuade people of the unity in and between theories.
A bit of thought through typing on Zaadz will aid me!
Best willings,
Dan

As told by Robin Williamson, beautiful.

"Culhwch road off on a young grey seed, a fiery eye, of graceful pace.  Gold not leather about it's head, gold not leather it's saddle was, and Culhwch bore two silver spears, his sword in hand, an arms length, it would wound the wind, and swifter drop then drops the wettest dew of June, on Culhwch’s hip gold hilted, a gold edged sword with a gold cross on it, many jewelled as the midnight sky, moon white it's ivory grip.  by Culhwch there ran two dappled hounds, red gold collars from shoulder to ear, the dog on the left would lead to the right the dog on the right would leap to the left, like two wild birds they sported round him.  The four hoofs of Culhwch’s steed would hurl four clods of above Culhwch’s head like four of summer’s swooping swallows.  A purple four cornered cloak he wore, a red gold apple at every corner, each apple worth a hundred cows.  The gold in his soft boots and in lacings from the knob of his knee to the nail of his toes three hundred cow would hardly buy, so easily his steed moved under him, no curl of Culhwch’s hair was stirred, not even the least tip of one hair, so Culhwch came riding to Arthur’s Gate."